THE PAST 365 DAYS & WHAT'S NEXT

THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR— EXCITEMENT & CURIOSITY ARE PULSING.

LET ME SET THE SCENE FOR WHAT LEAD ME HERE

A reflection

2021 has to be one of the hardest years to reflect upon. I have moved through many hard times in these past 31 years, but nothing quite like what the past year presented me with to overcome. It began so beautifully by watching the sunrise in a new home, with a dear friend, eagerly awaiting a new job and new endeavors. I felt that surge of energy and motivation I usually do when embarking on fresh beginnings, but that quickly began to decline once February hit. Attempting to keep a positive outlook, but that became harder and harder.

Photo Credit Deni Fidinllah

Firstly, I broke my finger warming up for a boxing class, and then the following day ran my scooter into the back of a car at about 30km/hour. On I went, as I do, with as much grace as possible. March was confusing, navigating learning new things alongside continuing the growth in the many other roles I play in my life here. If I thought that was enough, how unprepared I was for what was about to unfold. That is until I found out I was pregnant. I suspected it for a few weeks and had conversations at length with my mum about it. Then I confided in a friend who assisted me in all the logical steps. On the way to meet her one morning, I said to myself 'whatever is my path, let it come'. And come it did.

Living abroad is amazing. Well, for the most part. You learn to pave your own way, to hold your head up higher in those times, but when things get too hard, it really drives that homesickness home. As we all know the world has been upside down for the past two years. So going home to New Zealand was out of the question by about $15,000. I had a support crew on the phone and a select few around me. I went through the motions of how to deal with this situation, and fighting the anger I would not allow myself to feel about how it happened, and what I was going to do. Amidst this, even though I didn’t spend one minute feeling ashamed, the mouths were talking. They were creating stories, throwing poison and from what I can tell, trying to break me or make me disappear. But that wasn’t about to happen and I held my head as high as possible. I had enough to deal with and I wasn't about to entertain the boredom and gossip of others.

"Whatever is my path, let it come."

Nature stepped in, and I woke up one morning in my own blood and all my symptoms had disappeared. I had miscarried in my sleep. Not only that, but it wouldn’t pass naturally. I saw the Dr and she told me she could see the hemorrhage on the ultrasound and confirmed the miscarriage. A week went by, I laid in bed just waiting. Nothing happened, but I knew I had lost it. I didn't feel anything anymore. I was wishing for it to be over, because the in between was the most uncomfortable place to be and it truly felt like limbo. I went to see the Dr again after a week of no movement, and the next day was taken into a little room, where a half bed/table awaits me. No one speaks my language. I had not been prepped for what was about to happen. I climb on up and my legs go in the stirrups, and they get tied to them by fraying string as the nurse moves a tiny curtain over my abdomen, so that I cannot see what they are about to do. A 2-inch needle suddenly appears and pierces my thigh and then I feel the pain of the cutting and the sucking. Then the cutting and the sucking. I didn’t know if I was going to pass out or vomit and kept swaying between the two, screaming and writhing, begging them to stop. I couldn’t take anymore. Then it was over. Told to stand up and walk to another room. While I lay there on the vinyl sheet, swimming in my own sweat, cramping and contracting. Shivering and shuddering. I fell asleep when the pain was to much to handle. After a week I was back to work.

Nothing was the same

I wasn't the same. I could not focus. I could not complete anything I needed to. I felt so broken, lost, and incomplete. But I kept my face. I did everything I needed to. I had some really special support during this time and it is really what got me through. A few weeks later I went for a check up and they found a growth on my cervix and loudly said ‘it might be cancer. It looks aggressive’. These words were echoing, as I could feel my heart in my throat, and an endless buzzing in my ears. I went to see the Gynecologist, and he referred me to see the oncologist. In the meantime, I lose my job. Which meant that I could not afford to go to the hospital to see the specialist. So, I just pushed it to the back of my mind and went on with what I needed to do to survive and keep everything I was a part of functioning. I had to move house again after losing my job. While there, we entered into a lockdown that would last 3 months. I hardly left the house and to top that off, I got Covid. The depression and anxiety were at an all time high. Everything felt hard and dark and twisted. I felt no joy. I lost my taste and smell, and to this day I still don’t have it back. Living without two senses is a strange experience, and I can say, there is a heavy loss of enjoyment in the day to day.

Facing the music

At the beginning of October, I had managed to sort out insurance, and finally made it to see the oncologist. There were two tumors by then, and other abnormalities that they were concerned about.

One week later I was in for surgery. I had to stay one night but no one told me what they were doing to me. They took biopsies from both growths, took the growths out, which had complications and abnormal bleeding of their own. They took a graft biopsy about 3cm wide, made more incisions to biopsy and took my IUD out.

Photo credit Deni Fidinllah

I woke up crying, because the last thing they said to me before they put my to sleep was

‘if the results are bad you might need to have a hysterectomy’. I realise it broke me. I have always wanted children. I worked with them for many years and nothing has ever felt more natural in terms of desire. But I want to have children in a family that runs on love, and not conceived because of a greedy and selfish boy, who I couldn’t call a man, who took away my consent and took off the protection I agreed upon. I want to have children when I am in a position to take care of them and give them a life they can thrive in. Well, then at the end of the day, the universe took that child from me, for reasons I understand so deeply, but cannot fathom putting into words. Although, maybe one day. To hear that I might not have the chance to have my own children made me realise the weight of every moment leading to that.

A further reflection

If I can reflect a moment, I have been receiving signs for the past two years since I arrived in Bali. Many I have heeded to, and many I mistook as pure coincidence. But one thing I know for sure is that until the lessons have been learned, but most importantly, tried, as in, the behaviour changes— I will continue to be confronted with another puzzling hurdle until such time that I step in a different direction.

After surgery, I began to suffer more than ever. Still awaiting results from the biopsies, I met that deep, dark depression again. I still couldn't taste and smell, so my appetite declined to the point that I forgot to eat for two days at a time. I kept losing weight and my anxiety was out of control. At this point something hit me. I have chronic gastritis. I don't take daily medication for it, and I chose to manage it with my diet and lifestyle. You see, without the sufficient consumption of food, anything I ingested made me sick. I felt nauseous 24/7. I had to fight to get on top of that. I took medication for a couple of weeks, gained back part of my appetite and a few kilos as well.

Surrender Control

One week after surgery, I went back to the hospital to get the results of the biopsies and check out the surgery site. I was in a lot of pain, and at this point I still had no understanding of what they did and why I was in such excruciating pain. But the results were clear. There was no cancer, pre-cancer or signs of cancer. The heaviness didn't lift off me with ease. I still felt like I was carrying the weight of the world, but a few moments changed me. A friend who boldly addressed my state of mind and its effects on the world around me. A friend who needed me in their own time of strife. And a friend who encouraged me to find the shorter path to healing and liberation of woes.

Combined with the last bit of fight I had left in me, I began to rise above the darkness. I can't really explain how it happened but I guess I could explain it as, the puzzle pieces finally came back together inside me. As each piece found its place, so did I. I began to meet myself again. A me that has never been before. I wanted to ponder on my desires, rather than purposefully ignoring them, as not getting what I want, or at least the opportunity to try, was another disappointment I didn't want to face. A me who wants to eradicate the fear of speaking a truth out loud. Rather than shake in the fear of losing something or someone, when I know, and have witnessed time and again, that whatever is for me, is for me, and will be with me in its due time, for as long as it is supposed to. A me that has relearned how to listen and ask questions. A me who says no, a me who says yes, and a me who says I don't fucking know. A me who has surrendered control. Surrendered control. Surrendered control.

"A me who says no, a me who says yes, a me who says I don't fucking know".

All that aside

I wanted to get all of that out of the way so that I can reflect upon and shout an endless amount of gratitude to all the absolutely amazing and wonderful experiences, people, events, connections and revelations that have happened over the past year. I know for me, at least, it is so easy to get weighed down by all those pulling tentacles of whispering shadows. So easy that I was in fact living my internal life in the dark. Despite that I have so many truly amazing and inspiring stories to tell. I have realised through the past year that my desire to write longer stories, not just poetry or my books, has been growing, and it's something I will dedicate a lot of time to in the coming months.

Throughout the past year, I learned that it is okay to ask the people in my life to support me. It's always been easy to give. Give time, advice, take on other peoples' challenges and help to offer solutions. But I never learned to truly open myself to allow others to see into me and help me ride out the hard times. I had to surrender that control, I had to show my hand, I had to take off the masks. I let some very specific people hold me, and walk with me in my fire. Some showed up beautifully, and some fell by the wayside. At first this was incredibly disheartening, but my greatest lesson has been to accept all. To love them anyway, and let them go to walk their path. To those that stayed, that love and gratitude I feel is immense, and I have you to thank for getting me to where I am. This past year, I learned love on a level I never saw coming.

Even though I lost the new job I started the year with, it taught me to understand my capacity. It taught me that I in fact do have boundaries and limits. The kind of limits I mean are, 'how much can I do without making myself sick, stressed, unhappy or difficult to be around?'. I pushed myself to fulfill what was required of me, but quickly realizing that if I were to do all of that, each part would have less than 100% put into it, and that wasn't okay for me. So, again that lesson in accepting all, came in to the surface. I had a freedom of time temporarily, which I used to hustle and make enough money to survive. With the help and perfect timing of two friends who needed my assistance on some things which tied me over for a while.

PON XX PAPUA

I was blessed to be able to travel to Papua with one of my Artists, NoizeKilla, to headline an event for the Indonesian National Olympics & Paralympics— PON XX PAPUA in September. (It was supposed to be in 2020!) The 5 days of work were long and grueling and we didn't get to see much of the island, but what we did see was so beautiful. I know how much of an honour it is to be able to go there and I don't take it for granted at all. Leading a group of 10 musicians and crew to another island, being the only one who wasn't Indonesian, and can't speak the language fluently yet, was an exciting and kind of chaotic experience. Not to mention in the middle of a global pandemic! This is a part of the job which I am incredibly excited about exploring further.

Photo Credit Jamz Mangke

Unleashing Voices

Voices Unleashed expanded our events around the island, and began to focus on growing the community in Ubud, at the beautiful Soulshine, owned by Michael & Sara Franti. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary with We Are One, an epic event showcasing the artworks of those artists who had painted live at our Unplugged events, a gallery selection of the previous events, and a highlights show of standout artists who graced the community hosted a beautiful poetry show and a creative writing workshop for the Ubud Writers & Readers Festival (the biggest in SE Asia), ran a 2-day creative writing retreat with 11 incredible writers, celebrated hosting 50 open mic events and our growing community. My partners and I reconnected on a level we had missed amidst the busyness of building a community, and a business, but it was perfect to be able to strip back all of that and come back to what we began with. We have big plans ahead and we are excited to grow what we do as well as our team. There's an undertone of ease with which Voices Unleashed is growing and moving, as if it is here in its perfect time. Witnessing the growth of this community is one of the most beautiful views I have ever seen.

Photo Credit Qolis

One step at a time

I signed a new artist, Lamented Laughter, who has been wonderful to work with, and who has an incredible career ahead. Both artists challenge me to learn and grow every day. This industry is not easy as a woman, as am still received incredibly unequally, mistreated and spoken down to. But this challenges me to learn to communicate better, grow my armor and know that even if it's personal, its on me if I take that on. On the inside, our team is amazing. I am respected by the artists, we share creative ideas and the heavy admin required. Both have written full length albums, which we are now working on to be ready to release in 2022. I am so grateful to be valued and seen within these teams and I am so excited for the future ahead.

After all the suffering I went through physically, mentally and emotionally, I feel a beam of strength flowing now. Having the energy to exercise again, to wake up and move my body. It's a great start. On the other side of that, my relationships are taking a beautiful turn. Vulnerable conversations, building trust, sharing the depths of us, and quality time have been the fundamental building blocks of the growth in human connection.

I have no resolutions for the next year, but I do have desires. I have abandoned a lot of my self-development in the last three years, as that was necessary to let go of past versions of myself and shed old skins, and I am ready to embark on the next chapter. What I am to work on is peace of mind, tranquility, clarity, brain elasticity, rituals which support all of these goals. Which mean active learning, physical training, and dedicating ample time to my creative projects. I know how easy it has been to get lost in the to-do list, and also to fail at the to-do lists, but I have been a sharper version before, and I can find a better version of that again. I have such a greater understanding of who I am and what I want in my life. I guess it's also time to admit that I need to put myself first, so that I can greater serve in the ways I know I am here to serve.

Today I celebrate 2 years living and building a life here in Bali. I came here with a purpose which is 180 degrees from where I am now, and I couldn't be more grateful. I can say with great confidence, that I am exactly where I am supposed to me.

In love,

Emerie Seins