THE YEAR THAT WAS

When I think back to the first post I made here at the beginning of the year, I remember wondering if the one ahead would present the hard things in similar ways or if it would be smooth sailing and good health. It would be true now to say that the understanding of life and oneself has grown significantly throughout another challenging year.

It began as always, straight out of the gate and into the bull pit. Event, gigs, performances, the hustle. I was going at with full power and nothing was going to get in my way. I felt so alive, inspired and supported, and my goals were as clear as ever. As life goes, and as I have learned, it only takes so long at full speed before your run out of gas or something breaks.

I pulled off an epic fundraiser event with a great team and I learned so much from this experience. I discovered what I would not do again, and what I would with countless notes of how to improve. Creating an event on a higher scale was invigorating. We continued to build the Voices Unleashed community, community events and grew our Creative Writing Retreat to 3 days, with so many more plans in the pipeline. I solo curated one of our concepts for a

new festival, absolutely honoured to bring poetry to a festival that was predominantly music and other mediums of art. Bringing some of the most incredible poets on Bali to one stage, accompanied by the most beautiful instrumentation. We released a single with one artist, I got to co-produce a music video, created the release show, and prepared to move forward with the next singles. I began to curate the music program at an amazing restaurant with the best owners and staff. I was given the freedom and trust to create the most seamless and effortless operations plan, and this is where I really began to see myself. There was a power and a genius sitting in me that I had never witnessed before. My artist was booking almost every night. I had the difficult job of navigating demands for him playing the same dates, fighting for fair pay, and trying to keep all the musicians happy. We developed a plan for his album while he worked hard on his music. We managed to establish something spectacular this year, and it has left me feeling extremely excited for the next chapter with him.

While the borders were still closed the first part of the year, it meant that it was not a very lucrative time for musicians, which included me as my only income was commission based. So, I began to expand a bit. I started to book other artists. Finding a way to grow the respect of musicians in the industry and share the small amount of knowledge I had gained over the past two years. Striving to find a way to not only help myself but to help others grow their understanding of the industry and how to demand respect for themselves. This part of my mission has grown exponentially and is now woven deeply into my long-term plans. And things really did start to change once tourism began to grow again. We were saturated with offers, clashes, negotiations, and I felt on top of the world. I had been preparing for this for so long. All my systems were in place, and I was killing it. Always on top pf everything. There at a drop of a hat, in every meeting, meeting demands after midnight, solving issues, that is until I noticed what had been happening in my body amid it all.

I don’t want to outline all my health issues in this post, what I do want to do however, is shed some light on the seriousness of stress, anxiety, mood, and the importance of understanding the self.

Now that I am outside the heaviness of it all, of months of testing and treatments, and still plenty is left undiagnosed, I can see so clearly how it all happened. I had been living my life for years on the fumes of no sleep, stress, overfull days, active nights, too much caffeine and cigarettes and taking the weight of the world on my shoulders. Not only my world, but everyone else’s.

I had zero boundaries for my time and energy. Every time these was any issue, minor or not, my body would descend into an epic episode of anxiety and panic. Shaking and sweating. Thoughts could go nowhere else. I had to resolve it right then and there. Otherwise, I would remain in this state of overload. Began to over-explain, defend, and demand to be heard. With little understanding of the points I was actually trying to make. From where I sit now, reflecting on all the things I have learned, witnessed, and fought, I understand. I understand.

I was dead tired. From the cells of my core to the shedding skin on the tip of my nose. Exhausted. Done. Shutting down. At this point, I had a choice. To continue as I was, likely heading for destruction, or do something about it.

I go about continuing all my testing, attempting to get to the bottom of the physical ailments, while I attacked the hardest part yet- setting boundaries. The first thing I did was tell everyone I was not available for work before 10am, unless it was event day or something urgent. I set myself a new morning routine and enjoyed moving my body, writing, reading, and walking the beach. I stopped answering every message that came through late at night. I left people unread; I came back to those messages only when I had time or had the mental and emotional capacity to deal with them.

When my health began to deteriorate even further, I could not stop losing weight, still had no appetite and sleep was still so far from restful, I finally understood the role stress was playing in my life. It was the beast I could not live without. If it wasn’t causing me stress, I was not motivated to do it. So it turned out, everything I do in my life I seem to do with an infinite fire and do everything until it’s done. This meant I was productive as hell, but it also meant that I was burning out at an alarming rate.

I have always had high standards for myself, and so it seems, for others in my life. I hold people at their potential, not at their current limitations. I just made a choice to be a bit more present in my own life, thoughts, and actions. What happened was I began to become aware of everything.

Myself- how I was responding to stimuli, the presence I was having in conversations, I could ask for what I needed and say no. This way, my yeses were truthful, and my no’s were clear.

Others- Whether I was aware of being treated badly or feeling more intuitively the intentions of others, my senses were so sensitive and heightened.

The world- Just simply noticing the little nudges of the world around me. Were these little tests all the time just poking to see if I was ready? Quite possibly. But I began to see with a bit more colour.

As I had expected, not everyone was thrilled to learn of my boundaries. I was no longer available all the time. I was no longer willing to work for free. I learned how to make this work. I was setting the culture in my own life and attempting to match that within my teams as well. Some suffered more than others. I gave fair warning leading up to each choice I made, making sure to give ample time to others to share their needs as well.

Nothing about this was easy and was no smooth ride, I guess it still isn’t. I faced abuse in text messages, phone calls, threats made towards me, ultimatums given to me. I know all of this affected my health negatively, because I am still learning not to take everyone else’s opinion and perception of me deep into the core and let it change and define the values I hold. In fact, I was so surprised at who came up against me the most. The ones who were supposedly gently guiding me to be better at setting and holding boundaries had the strongest aversion to mine. This is all okay. I think I was probably a little mad. Losing it a bit in the middle of all the change and learning.

I am not here to say that I handled everything gracefully, I wish I could say that I had. But in all honesty, it was such a beautiful mess. I love the moment of reflection when you realise that as fucking hard as it was, it was worth it. At times I was crying wreck, an angry dragon, a pathetic and petty child, and other times I was diplomatic, calm, composed and logical.

It can be so hard to define this, but I can describe it as coming into the self. For the first time in my life, I feel the most me, the most real, the most unhidden version. I noticed that the poetry I have written in the second half of this year has been jaw-dropping to me. The way I have been able to access emotions and transform them into this medium has been a palatable delight. The way I have found the most organic voice when speaking and performing poetry has transformed my artistry and vision. I am in the middle of planning a year of production, aiming to release my first book, tracks, and videos. I am still so tired, but I have learned rest. I take the time I need when I need it and come back to productivity when I have the power to do so.

Saying no to stress has been empowering. To know what feels good and what does not. Still pushing my edges when I feel inspired to, still softening the edges around my heart, to allow love to penetrate. To find new forms of kindness and generosity because everyone deserves to feel loved. My body is starting to heal. Pain is lower and my mind is more still. This kind of peace can’t be brought, it can only be created, and I must protect it at all costs.

Lastly, I want to thank that special person who helped me see the beauty I was hiding, who helped me release a woman that was too afraid to come out. For challenging my thinking, for not letting me wallow in my self-made trenches. For being there every step of the way. This kind of connection is once in a lifetime. I am grateful.

To sit here, in my hometown on New Years Eve, reflecting on the woman I was a year ago, and the woman I am now, feels so out of body. I have moved through some of the hardest days, I have hurt deeper than ever, I have loved harder than I have ever loved, I have given more lovingly than ever and I have shown myself a deep respect that there is no coming back from.

I have no resolutions as always, just a commitment to myself to continue to be better each day. To love first. To assume the best of people. And to follow my heart a little closer.

I feel reborn.

What a wild ride it’s been. Thank you to everyone who played a part. I wish I could put it all down in words, so just go read some of my poetry.

Love and peace always,

Emerie Seins

Photo Credit: Tofan Angga