THE TAKER & THE GIVER

AN ESSAY ON HOW I AM VERY SLOWLY LEARNING TO ACCEPT MY NAIVETY AND TRUST MY RAZOR-SHARP INTUITION

Not an easy feat but, if there is a way out there I must find it and forgive myself for being too hopeful or hopeless, I guess. It has come full circle again. Those cycles I promised to break are repeating. I find myself still buried in the puzzle, giving it all, asking for nothing, and knowing it is not enough. They never want who I am.

Ah, the reason why I am here. Navigating clumsily through an unplanned tornado of casual dating in my early thirties. In a generation where we are more disposable than ever before and even more afraid of any true intimacy.

Photo credit Deni Fidinllah

There comes a time when you have faced the same lesson head-on, but for whatever reason, you still had more to learn, but the clarity and change are finally peeking over the horizon. Remember the stories, for they will remind you that it’s all a journey, so enjoy it. Relish it. Live it.

At this point, I think it is plain idiocy to believe in love. That gooey, soft, passionate, and unquestioned love. That moment on the thin red line between sanity and chaos is where I wish to remain. Completely oblivious. Blissfully unaware and floating in a way that allows me to not make any solid choices. For a control freak, this baffles me. Particularly when it comes to men, I decide it is more important I have their attention than speak clearly about my desires. I have had the repeating three-week casual dating dynamic more times than I can remember. We meet, we talk about everything from childhood to past relationships, to careers, and finally- ‘what are you looking for?’. I am frozen solid to my chair as I beg my brain to think quicker. ‘Nothing serious, you know. I’m chill and going with what’s easy.’ What the fuck is wrong with me. So, we go home and have a night filled with sex and spliffs, fall asleep, and wake him up for one last round before I go.

Naivety. I have had to swallow this word and eat my fucking pride. I have always had a relatively solid outlook on life. I understood very young that disasters will happen, and sometimes we cannot control the outcome. I grew up with the ability to just get on with it when the previous attempt failed, and it’s been the same for my romantic life. When all was said and done, and I was not being met where I needed, I left. I have a thick brain though, I tell myself not to trust the intuition that says “no, not this one”. I allow myself to be played over and again, without the discipline to honestly look at myself and the choices I make. I know now that this comes down to the fact I could not define what I want in a man. Or if I even wanted to have a relationship again.

I took the time to do this recently, and it has changed the way I show up in the world. My eyes have been focused on my development again. In the past months, I have been kicking anxiety to the curb. I have been learning to spend time alone and allowing myself to enjoy a beautiful and wild sexual adventure. It may not align with the definition I wrote, but I have moved into an organic flow with myself and my sexuality. It feels primal right now to explore and rest.

The biggest realization? I have spent three years distracting myself with men who like to waste my time. I won’t lie, I have had an incredible time, learning, and experiencing, but I truly feel like it’s time to listen to that voice inside, to slow down, use discernment and be with myself. It’s not a walk in the park to make such behavioural changes when they feel as natural as breathing but committing some time and energy to yourself can be so incredibly powerful. It is a terrifying moment to look at yourself in the mirror and admit you are out of tune with your values and desires, but that first step is everything.

I have been at the first step many times, but what is important is that I keep taking it, and this time I am already on step two — don’t look back.

Close your eyes and sync up with that voice and have a conversation with it. Make the choices that feel right, the ones that might be more difficult, but you know that at the end of the day they were the right ones for that moment.

In love,

Emerie Seins